The Ill Quill

I've been thinking...

2009-06-08T22:24:00.001-07:00

I want to change the name of my Adam's Apple to Nick's Satsuma.

When I run a long distance race, I don't run for time. I run for cheeseburgers.

The one thing most know-it-alls don’t know is when to shut the hell up.

If you ever feel like not getting laid, wait until an attractive woman asks, “What do you do?”
Then say, “It’s classified. I could tell you but then I’d have to sleep with you and kill you.”

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But if you're an old dog, and you can
still lick your own genitals, what other tricks do you really need to learn?

I wonder if the man on the moon ever gazes longingly down at the Earth and thinks,
mmmmmm, that looks like a really good lollipop.

The other day, I saw a convenience store called Easy Mart. What a great opportunity,
I thought. I should open up a convenience store called Easier Mart. This will be the
perfect platform upon which to launch my next venture: a super market called Super Easy.

The wind is a horny element. It's always whistling at people, or blowing them.

If I were Kim Jong-il, I'd sign the nuclear non-proliferation treaty with disappearing ink.

I bet there’s an entomologist out there with a foot fetish that fucking LOVES centipedes.

Technology is a drug. And we're all just a bunch of users.

You've got to hand it to gangsters. Because if you don't, they'll shoot your ass.

You should never hit a man with glasses. Stab him, shoot him or light him on fire. But absolutely no hitting.

Snap Happy

2009-05-29T11:20:00.001-07:00

Proof that humans descended from primates:

2009-05-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

Opposable thumbs
Monkey bars
Banana bread

Shad

2009-05-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

This freestyle is certified fresh.

Chipotle Vids

2009-05-16T20:33:00.001-07:00

Chipotle Attitude Adjuster from Eddie Ringer on Vimeo.

Miracle Burrito from Eddie Ringer on Vimeo.

2009-04-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

Actual rules and guidelines found in my company’s Employee Handbook
as outlined by the Human Resources Department.

Never attempt to fight a fire alone.

If an object has fallen on someone, move it.

If you receive a bomb threat by mail,
try not to handle the package unnecessarily.

Unfortunately, we live in a complicated and litigious society.

It is not possible to list all the forms of behavior
that are considered unacceptable.

Do not use two-way radios, cell phones or other electronic devices,
as they can accidentally activate a detonator.

No barking.

Office relationships can be messy.

It is our belief that the use of common sense
can govern most situations.

Please follow these guidelines; otherwise we will lose the grill.

Couple Bangers

2009-02-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

"2 It" - New Jack Hustle (Shawn Jackson & Newman) from Shawn Jackson on Vimeo.

Math Problem

2008-11-18T09:38:00.000-08:00

If a twelve-pack of Kraft singles is on sale for $1.69
and I have a coupon for $2.00 off a twelve-pack of Kraft singles,
doesn’t the store owe me money?

Awesome Tattoo

2008-10-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

I want to get a tattoo on my palm of an extended money line.
That way in the future I'll be rich.

Kaiser Chiefs Teaser Promos

2008-10-01T09:57:00.000-07:00

Thoughts / Musings

2008-07-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

How to freak out a complete stranger at a party:
1. Make eye contact with them from across the room.
2. Stare into their eyes and snap your fingers.
3. Disappear.

I wouldn't say spirit animals are becoming domesticated so much as
they're becoming extinct.

The majority of people are idiots, which sort of sucks considering the
U.S is a democracy, and in a democracy, the majority rules.

You know that friend who’s always sending you stupid forwards? Just
once I want to receive a forward from them that says, “Forward this
onto 10 friends and you’ll stop receiving these forwards.”

If you ever get pissed off at a mosquito the last thing you probably
want to yell is "suck my dick!"

"Ahhrrrg, rrraarrrhg arrah?" That's stomach for, "Hey, what happened
to lunch?"

Someone should make a version of the "The Clapper" that works on shitheads.

I saw a drunk Native American man passed out in the street yesterday.
His dream catcher must've had a hole in it.

I'm just waiting for the day I see a crackhead with a cardboard sign that says,
"Broke. Hungry. Need teeth."

You ever notice how pigeons take their sweet ass time getting out of the way
of oncoming cars? It's almost like they're teasing us. "Come on, try to hit me.
I bet you can't. I bet you can't." BOOM! "Take that, pigeon! I was driving faster
than you thought, wasn't I?"

I'm not so sure I agree with people who say you should always follow your dreams.
I followed one of my dreams once and ended up pissing in the clothes hamper.

A mustache growing competition is like a GWAR concert. It's fun while it lasts,
but you're glad when it's over.

Big Ass LEGO Boulder

2008-05-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

Bar Di Matematica

2007-12-21T12:04:00.001-08:00

Missile Toe

2007-12-10T09:47:00.000-08:00

More holiday fun and games can be found here.

Human Farm

2007-12-10T09:32:00.000-08:00

More holiday fun and games can be found here.

Reindeer Games

2007-12-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

More holiday fun and games can be found here.

Hot Cocoa

2007-12-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

The moment none of you knew you were waiting for...

2007-10-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

...has finally arrived. It's the Internet debut of Family Dinner,
a short film I helped write for the San Francisco 48 hour film festival.
If you're not familiar with how 48 hour film festivals work, basically
you have to write, film and edit an entire film in 48 hours. Usually
the film has be of a specific genre - we ended up with "ghost film" -
and must also include a specific line of dialogue, a specific character
and a specific prop. Take a look.

Just another night at Math Bar

2007-07-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

With special thanks to AD Lisa Doman.

For the Love of God

2007-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

It came to me in a flash last night as I lay in bed,
suffering from a serious case of heartburn.

“Sleep on your left-hand side,” it said.

It was a voice, an overwhelmingly powerful and omniscient
voice, God’s, quite possibly. “If you sleep on your
left-hand side your stomach acid cannot overflow as easily
because your food tube (the voice actually said food tube)
faces upwards in that position.”

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Yeah. Seriously.” It thundered back.

“Fine.” I said, grumpy. I’d been lying most uncomfortably
on my right-hand side for hours (apparently I sleep right),
flying up every couple minutes due to the burning sensation
that comes from indigestion.

“Could have told me that earlier.” I said, turning over on
my left-hand side.

“And you could have just as easily not eaten that plate
of nachos right before you went to bed,” said the voice.

“Right,” I said.

I repositioned my head on the pillow and had counted up
to eight and a half sheep - the nineth was just reaching
the apex of its leap - when the burning sensation returned.
I jolted up. Again.

“WTF, man?” I said the letters WTF because I wasn’t sure
if the voice was God’s or not.

The voice laughed back. Hysterically.

“What’s so funny?” I said, but the voice couldn’t stop
laughing. Who, or whatever it was, was damn near out of
breath. “Punk.” I said. “I’m going to the kitchen. Get a
glass of milk or something.”

“I, I, I,” stammered the voice through a mixture of chortles
and snorts. The damn thing honestly snorted. Like a pig.
“I flipped your food tube upside down,” it said, “right,
right when you turned over onto your left side. Ha. Sooooo
funny. I crack myself up sometimes.”

“For the love of God, God.” I said. “Or whoever you are,
I’m through with you. I’m going to get a class of milk.
You're God, aren't you?”

"Yeah," said God, still laughing. "I am." I started off
down the hallway to the kitchen, God's laughter followed.
"The old food tube flip," God continued. "Boy, wait until
Satan hears about this one."

It's America's Birthday!

2007-07-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

So . . . what do you get someone that has everything?

Dude 1 & Dude 2

2007-06-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

Dude 1:
What question would you ask yourself
if you could ask yourself any question?

Dude 2:
Funny. I'm constantly asking myself
that exact same question.

Montgomery Mini Mall Anyone?

2007-05-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

This guy absolutely OWNS IT!

Underwater Awesomeness

2007-05-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

This is pretty cool. Curious to see the ocean's contribution over time.

Via Wooster.

Funny Directions

2007-04-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

Check out this well hidden little Internet gem. Go to google maps and select
directions. Then type in a route starting from New York, New York and ending
in Paris, France. Hit enter and look at line 24. Pretty funny. My brother told me
it only works for these two locations.

Q & A

2007-04-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

Question: What drives a woman to toys?

Answer: Penis Power

Public Access like you've never seen it before, folks. Cross my heart.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

2007-04-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

And call this the best video game ad ever. It's so good, it will leave skid marks on your soul.

How's your soul feel? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Post Script

America, fuck yeah.

Rap video of the month

2007-02-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

My favorite part is when the supers come up at the end.

Butta.

A Film From Lifelongfriendshipsociety.com

2006-12-21T12:57:00.000-08:00

No. Actually what I wanted to see was a peanut butter tear drop
cookie get catapulted through a castle wall and into the awaiting
jaws of a hyperventilating tyrannosaur. But that's ok. I'm over it.
Happy Holidays! May you manifest tons of fun things in boxes!

More Fun w/ File Corruption

2006-12-21T11:27:00.000-08:00

Why am I so obsessed with file corruption these days? Who knows.
But anyways, I thought this was another cool way to create corruption-
based art. Hmm, glitch art anyone? Examples below. Here, too.

The Billionaires Club

2006-12-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

More funny business here.

Dr. NakaMats says:

2006-12-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

The spirit of invention is LOVE!

How do you get your ideas?

Dr. NakaMats almost dies!

Dolly Parton Look-a-like Night

2006-11-27T20:49:00.000-08:00

This Math Bar is Dedicated to Patrick

2006-11-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

Prime

2006-11-18T13:38:00.000-08:00

Math Bar Returns

2006-11-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

Some people put in requests for more Math Bar. This is for those people.
All three of them. Stay tuned. More on the way. I promise.

The Corruptor Tool

2006-11-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

Below's an example of what it can do. Isn't 100% tight all the time.
And doesn't corrupt itself (metacorrupt ?) as one person pointed out.
But a fun time waster nonetheless. So go on. Get corrupt.

A Zillion Bugs Were Killed In The Making Of This Film

2006-11-02T13:24:00.000-08:00

Unfortunate Expectations

2006-10-26T07:48:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago, after finishing a plate of Chinese food from Bob's Wok, I
saw the end of a fortune protruding from my fortune cookie. I hadn't planned
on eating the cookie, but figured I could use a few words of wisdom so I removed
the little slip of paper and read it out loud. Here's what it said: People who expect
nothing, will never be disappointed. Hm. I had to think about this one. I mulled
the words over in my head for a minute or two. Repeated them out loud and mulled
them over some more. Then, once I was good and ready, I pinched the piece of
paper forcefully between my thumb and index finger and shook it vigorously at the
fortune cookie.

That's easy for you to say Fortune Cookie, I said. But try telling that to my boss. I've
got a review next week and I expect to dominate. Besides, who's your boss? Oh,
that's right, me. And guess what? You're fired! It felt good to give Fortune Cookie a
taste of his own medicine. But I wasn't finished. Oh no. For after taking another
glance at the paper I noticed right below the fortune a list of lucky numbers.

Well I'll be damned, I thought. What's the deal here Fortune Cookie? You're going to
tell me to minimize my expectations, and then tease me with a set of numbers you
claim are lucky? Fortune Cookie, if that's not raising a person's expectations I
don't know what is!

Let me explain, said Fortune Cookie, in clear and calm and elderly sounding
Mandarin. But I was in no mood for an explanation, let alone the Mandarin.

Fortune Cookie, I said, despite what you say, I'm expecting big things from you,
HUGE things - I was near speaking in all capitals at this point - and it's not so
much from your advice I'm expecting these things, obviously, but from this
here set of numbers. I wove the little white piece of paper vehemently in
Fortune Cookie's face. No one had ever stood up to Fortune Cookie with
such gumption, such vigor, such unwavering fortitude, and this set Fortune
Cookie's mouth agape. That's right Fortune Cookie, I said. That's right.

Taking a moment to gather my chi in preparation for Fortune Cookie's rebuttal
I thought about the cookie's words some more. So let's say I followed Fortune
Cookie's advice, I thought, and expected nothing ever again. If I did that, if I
lived one hundred percent by the cookie's advice, I'd definitely be disappointed
because inevitably, good or bad, something would happen, as it always does.
And since I was expecting nothing, that something would ultimately lead to
disappoint on my end. Or wait, how was I to expect nothing if I wasn't
supposed to expect in the first place? Yep. I was definitely on to something,
that something being a giant hole in Fortune Cookie's line of thinking. He
had nothing.

I think you're missing the point, said Fortune Cookie, breaking the silence. It
had been a long silence, longer than I'd expected.

Is that so? I said.

It is, said Fortune Cookie.

Well, I replied, what if I told you I wasn't expecting there to be a point?

Shame. Shame. Shame. Replied Fortune Cookie. You are being foolish. Just
because I say you should expect nothing, it does not mean there will not be
something. There's always a point to these fortunes I deliver unto you, young
truth seeker. Remember what I taught you in a previous fortune about there
being no such thing as coincidence? I nodded my head, bashfully.

Yes Fortune Cookie, I said.

Come now, I expect better of you said Fortune Cookie.

Ah ha, I laughed, snapping my head up in an instant, and I of you, Fortune
Cookie, for how can you expect me not to expect anything when you just said
so yourself that you expect more from me? This took the wind out of Fortune
Cookie's waffle pockets. From now on, I said, I will expect only the best
fortunes from you Fortune Cookie. And with that I gobbled him down.

The next day I went to work with the fortune shoved in my pocket. On the
way to work, I stopped off at a 7-11 and played the lottery using the numbers
on the fortune. Then, at twelve o'clock, I promptly took it upon myself to order
Bob's Wok for the entire office. Not only that, but I volunteered to pick it up.
When I arrived at Bob's I withdrew the fortune and before handing it to the
hostess read it one last time out loud. People who expect nothing will never
be disappointed, I said, and smiling I gave it to the hostess. Can you make
sure this fortune finds its way into my boss's fortune cookie, I said. He's
having the curry chicken, extra spicy, I said.

No plobrem, said the hostess.

Thanks, I said, with a wink. He's expecting it. The hostess smiled as if he'd
seen it all before and after taking the fortune from my hands he walked back
into the kitchen leaving me to ponder whether or not anything would come
of this.

I was disappointed to say the least. For the following week I arrived at work
to find a harsh review from my boss sitting alongside the Monday newspaper
on my desk. A man by the name of Gerald Masters' face was plastered
across the front page of the newspaper. Male nurse wins record state
lottery, read the headline. Asked about his reaction Masters said he was
surprised. I was in shock, said Masters, in a statement that appeared in the
caption directly below the photo. Guess I wasn't expecting it, really, he said.

I sighed. Heavily. Should have expected this, I thought, and picking up the
phone I dialed the number to Bob's Wok. It was time for a new fortune.

More ytmnd.com

2006-10-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

K-pole and I made another one. Site is crack.

Thanks Mr. Bird

2006-10-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

I had a feeling about this. You totally reaffirmed it.
Thanks.

Your Illest

ill quill on ytmnd.com

2006-10-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

Knircles and I, up to no good.

Wha-wha-whaaaaaa!

2006-09-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

The King and Drew Rosenhaus

2006-09-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

Right in time for football. Sweet.

Pee your pants like I did.

2006-08-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

Turn the volume up and click here.

Star Wars Pick Up Lines

2006-08-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

Luke:

Are you a Jedi chick? Because you got me under a spell.

Lightsaber, check. Light of my life, check.

I don't need a mirror to see myself in your pants, bitch.
I'm a Jedi!

I know what you're thinking, baby, and no, that's not a
lightsaber in my pocket.

So, I hear you're into the rebellious type.

Girl, don't make me use force!

I had to come talk to you. I just couldn't Endor it any longer.

Your eyes twinkle like stars. I think I'm lost in space.

Han Solo:

Hey baby, you wanna see my Millennium Falcon?

Are we near a spaceport, or is that my heart taking off?

Solo. Han. Solo.

I'm an intergalactic smuggler and I'm here to steal your heart.

Something tells me you've been looking for love in Alderaan
places.

If there's a bright center to the universe, darling you're it.

I've been around the galaxy, and your beauty's brighter than
any star I've seen.

What I remembered while Apple told me about updates I probably should but didn't download

2006-07-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

The Jean Benet Ramsey murder trial

My friend Dean from kindergarden's middle name

How bad by feet smell

The time

Waste some time

2006-07-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

These interactive games are great
time wasters. Plus, I helped create and write
them. Make sure to remove any pop up blockers.

Post Script

To everyone worried by the Ill Quill's
sudden collapse. I'm sorry. I'm not sure
what happened.

To flinch?

2006-07-16T00:27:00.000-07:00

Or not to flinch?

To clarify, the above link takes you to a trailer for a film, which
from what I can tell, is a documentary about staring contests.
Is it real? Or not? Prolly more not, I'm thinking. But it is
entertaining, which is really all that m@ers.

4th of July

2006-07-04T19:29:00.000-07:00

Pat is lighting off fireworks and feeding
bums hot dogs as I type.

New Favorite Non-existent Word

2006-06-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

metahate

v. metahat-ed, metahat-ing, metahates
To feel hostility or animosity toward those who feel hostility or animosity
To detest those who detest
To feel dislike or distaste for: hates people who hate book covers.

v. intr.
To feel hatred for people who feel hatred

n.
intense animosity or dislike for intense animosity or dislike; metahatred.

metahater n.
one who hates haters

metahate
n: the emotion of hate for hate; a feeling of dislike so strong for dislike
that it demands action v: to hate dislike intensely; feel antipathy or
aversion towards aversion or antipathy; "I hate people who hate
moonpies"; "He detests people who detest Pearl Jam"; "That guy was
totally metahating!"

Note: Metahate not to be confused with actual words, metadate or meditate.
Metanote: Meta can be placed in front of pretty much any word. I put it in
front of hate, obviously.

Awesome Audio

2006-03-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'd say this is pretty awesome audio.

rrhhffrggaaaaaahhhahgh!!!

2006-02-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

No. Really. rrhhffrggaaaaaahhhahgh!!!
Thanks Toph.

Top 5 quotes from my new all time favorite TV show, Country Boys

2006-02-09T23:35:00.000-08:00

"So the rest of you think you should have the baby by your father?"

"God reads knee mail."

"I could bench press a Buick right now."

"I mean, look, I'm in an apartment."

"Right now I need to focus on that one big main thing called my future."

Taco Bell Brand Experience

2006-02-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

i NEED

2006-02-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

Caught a powerful piece of stencil skill entitled i NEED over at Wooster. Worth a look.

Camel Brand Experience

2006-01-28T17:31:00.000-08:00

Penske Brand Experience

Dear Penske,

I'm sorry to have learned you guys now only do business
with immortals. This is quite tragic seeing as how I'm mortal
and suposed to be fully moved out of my apartment by
tomorrow evening. Oh well, thanks anyways.

Sincerely
Richard Matters
aka "The Mere Mortal"

Best Blonde Joke Ever

2006-01-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

This may be the best blonde joke ever. And that's no joke.

Top 5 quotes from my new all time favorite TV show, Country Boys

2006-01-19T17:40:00.000-08:00

“So the rest of you think you should have the baby by your father?”

“God reads knee mail.”

“I could bench press a Buick right now.”

“I mean, look, I’m in an apartment.”

“Right now I need to focus on that one main thing called my future.”

Hey, I know where we should park!

2006-01-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

Quick Thought

2006-01-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

I'm living proof. Otherwise I'd be dead.

Speaking of living proof, above is recent
proof of Tofu's existence. Yo Tofu, what's
the happenings on some Brand Experience?

It Bigfoot Memoir

2005-12-28T18:25:00.000-08:00

I've long had a fascination with bigfoot. So
when my good buddy bengt hooked it up with
Me Write Book: It Bigfoot Memoir I was
excited. Ok nearly overjoyed, and although
bigfoot clearly has some issues with grammar
and spelling i.e. the use of basic articles of speech,
all I gotta say is WOW. You write book indeed, Bigfoot.

Skull Drawing Contest

2005-11-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

Pretty sure I lost. For the record though,
I totally wasn't trying my hardest.

Math Bar Mania

2005-11-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

Advertising Multiple Choice

2005-11-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

Advertising doesn't sell things to people
as much as it __________________________ .

A. helps them decide which things they want

B. helps them decide how to spend their money

C. helps them decide what to do with their
entire life

D. Both A & B

E. None of the above. It sells things to people.
Sometimes shit.

F. distracts them, and their meager existence,
from the fact that the world is actually run by
lizard-people who are devouring their souls piece
by piece, without them ever knowing, until one
day it's too late and they find themselves
soulless, lost in a river of petroleum-based
entropy with an overwrought addiction to consume.

*Thanks to Tofu for the last bit, totally forgot
about that option.

Sunday Morning Medicine 3

2005-10-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

1.

pissed cabbie honks
has time and pennies
stuck up ass
is why I walk slower
than a salted snail

2.

girl's shirt across
the street creeps slowly
up belly
gets shoved down again
more shirt is needed

Brand Experience: Kinkos

2005-10-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

by Tofu & R. M@ers

West Oakland Street Art

2005-10-27T00:59:00.000-07:00

Oakland is a colorful place.

Brand Experience

2005-10-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

by Tofu

Forever Math Bar

2005-10-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

Church of Scientology Recruiting Tactic

2005-10-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

Don't know what lead me down this recruiting tactic
road as of late, but here I am. This tactic is flat out
funny, especially compared to the Marines approach. For
some strange reason I'm thinking the outcome of these
"free" tests is always the same, perhaps something like,
"Judging by your score Mr. Fitzpatrick, which by the way
was quite impressive, I'd say you're a perfect fit for
our cult, excuse me, organization."

Icer Air Photos

2005-09-30T03:12:00.000-07:00

It snowed in San Francisco the other day.
Except only at the intersection of Fillmore and Vallejo.
Weird how that happens. Go figure.
This is, after all, San Fran-disco.

You know you've fallen and can't get up when...

2005-09-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

You know you've fallen and can't get up when both your legs are bent back mid-shin and that friend of yours who REALLY likes chips is hovering over you, eating chips, letting the crumbs fall down onto your head like heavy snow flakes and you reach out a hand and say, "Hey buddy, hey, help a brother up," and he replies, "You got any chips?" and you don't have any chips.

Picture of confused, possibly senile fan.

2005-09-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

No. Barry Bonds isn't back. In fact,
he's not even on the active roster.
Sheesh. What a looney-toon.

Rejected alternative titles for the sequel to Honey I Shrunk the Kids

2005-08-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

Honey I punked the kids.
Honey I smoked crack with the kids.
Honey I read the 3rd edition of Kieso & Waygandt's Intermediate Accounting out loud to the kids.
Honey I misunderstood the kids.
Honey I made like 1,200 origami cranes for the kids.
Honey I fed dog food to the kids.
Honey I tipped the canoe over while fishing with the kids.
(abridged version of above) - Honey I drowned the kids.
Honey I taught dead baby jokes to the kids.
Honey I pissed off the kids.
Honey I pissed on the kids.
Honey I had a bad day and blamed it on the kids.
Honey I stayed up all night watching porn with the kids.
Honey I went to a rave with the kids.
Honey I watched paint dry with the kids.
Honey I watched grass grow with the kids.
Honey I bought rattlesnakes for the kids.
Honey I watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids with the kids.
Honey I said, "Boy, your mom's sure a bitch," to the kids.
Honey I went ahead and got a sex change without telling you or the kids.
Honey I took nude pictures of the kids.
Honey I listened to that goddamn dinosaur named Barney talk about friendship all day long with the kids.
Honey I explained the difference between imminent collapse and substantial impairment to the kids.
Honey I am pretty fucking sure it's YOUR turn to play patty cake with the kids.
Honey I played Solitaire with the kids.
Honey I pole danced for the kids.
Honey I lied when I said I loved you. That said, go ahead and keep the kids.

True or False?

2005-08-20T15:11:00.000-07:00

The man pictured below fucking hates drum circles.

Ludacris Area Codes: Math Bar Remix

2005-08-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

Sing along with me, "I got O's, in different area codes..."

Virus

2005-08-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

I wrote a thousand emails
to no one that I knew.
In each I posed the question:
I've heard the news, have you?

If people answered back
Auto-reply said, "Too late.
Fools I'm a virus.
Come now, meet your fate."

FYI

2005-08-07T02:15:00.000-07:00

I stole the f from free
Turned it into t.
Then gave it back to ree
And now I have a tree.

2005-07-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

2005-07-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

Who Art Thou?

2005-07-17T23:30:00.000-07:00

Art thou a captain or a yes-man? A sunny day or a rain stick?
Art thou art? Art thou smart? Art thou an asshole? Who art thou?

Oboy?

2005-07-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

What's this about? Oboy? At first glance it looks like a spoof 'ad' for Obey. Interesting. Wonder if it's finished. Maybe just the outline. Will have to check back.

No Sleep Til Wordwheel

2005-07-04T04:16:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you know the drill. Three wheels: inside, middle, out. Words and phrases on each wheel. Spin to win. Etc. And now, placed delicately inside two beautiful parenthesis, one sentence I'll never create while spinning (Whatever Lola* wants, Lola gets.) followed by seven others that were.

I heart tremendous deep discount
One player inspired by this tablet
The old drawing makes them feel blue
Red affects the way we think
Slender piggyback strategy
They are full of fighting spirit sorry for living
Congratulations the car is bad.

*in a deep voice

A Climber's Tribute to Miles & R. Brautigan

2005-07-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

Some say Richard Brautigan was America's best worst poet. And Miles, well, ain't gonna get into all that jazz. In any case, the following pix are tributes to them both. I suspect there'll be more to come.

2005-06-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

drawing by Tofu Tofinski

Lost Tribe

2005-06-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

Gosh. I've been asleep. Wanted to post a link back to Lost Tribe for at least two, maybe three gazillion years now, but anyways. There it is. Feel quite honored that the creator of Lost Tribe, David Hodson , chose me as the website/zine's first feature. Thanks Dave.

2005-06-20T02:19:00.000-07:00

Kick it. Kick it. Yeah. That's the ticket.

How to get an idea (maybe)

2005-06-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

Still in re-design mode. Sifting through and collecting templates from blogskins and Blogger-templates. Hollar if you know of any good sites to browse.

Batman Begins

2005-06-16T21:08:00.000-07:00

As previoulsy mentioned to some folks this movie was impressive. I clapped at the end. I don't usually clap at the end of movies, especially action movies. Not one to ruin a perfectly awesome flick I'll refrain from further review and instead alow myself (it is my freakin' blog) to utter these simple words/phrases:

Psychotropic drug use, Dr. Crane in coversation with Falcone "I don't think you understand," evil masks, ninjas, Mrs. Cruise/Mrs. Holmes/Mrs. Newest-Church-of-Scientology-Member, and finally my dear reader(s), I leave you with this question: "Why do we fall?"

Tyson's Face Tats and Ear Appetite No Match for McBride

2005-06-16T02:37:00.000-07:00

Looks like Iron Mike is finished. Final words below.

"I do not have the guts to be in this sport anymore," Tyson said. "I don't want to disrespect the sport that I love. My heart is not into this anymore. I'm sorry for the fans who paid for this. I wish I could have done better. I want to move on with my life. It's time to move on with my life and be a father, take care of my children."

via espn.com

Mike Tyson

2005-06-09T01:15:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, in a matter of days (June 11) Iron Mike Tyson will - is set to, anyways - fight Irish journeyman, Kevin McBride. According to UK Sports Yahoo the 38 year old rapist...I mean boxer, had this to say regarding the fight, "There's going to be a train wreck here." Hmmm. Well, one thing's for certian, at 5-11, 230 lbs Mike will be at somewhat of a disadvantage considering McBride is 6-6, 260. But then Mike has some things going for him, namely these two:

1. Tatoos on face
2. He bit off Evander Holyfield's ear

And just in case that's not enough I've posted some famous quotes from Iron Mike below. Hell, you gotta hand it to Mike. Yeah. He's sick and twisted, but many a famous writer/poet/artist were and are, sick and twisted. That said, I'd put my money, if I had any, on Mike. Sorry mom.

“He called me a rapist and a recluse. I’m not a recluse.”

"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

"You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."

"He was screaming like my wife."

"I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time."

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."

"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died. I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand. He was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

"There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right."

"When you see me smash somebody's skull, you enjoy it."

"But you really have to look at the science of the situation. You guys come here to talk and report but you don't actually look at the facts of what this business is all about. The best thing that happened to those guys and they should stand on their mother's shoulders and kiss my ass because I went to prison or they would not be existing right now. They'd be a flash in the pan and would have made some money and opened up a restaurant or bar somewhere where they live at."

"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead."

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

[To a female reporter] "It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

"...every now and then I kick your f**king ass and stomp on you and put some kind of pain and inflict some of the pain on you because you deserve to feel the pain that I feel."

"If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

"All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

"I feel like sometimes that I was born, that I'm not meant for this society because everyone here is a f**king hypocrite. Everybody says they believe in God but they don't do God's work. Everybody counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I'm a Muslim, but do you think Jesus would love me ... I think Jesus would have a drink with me and discuss ... why you acting like that? Now, he would be cool. He would talk to me. No Christian ever did that and said in the name of Jesus even ... They'd throw me in jail and write bad articles about me and then go to church on Sunday and say Jesus is a wonderful man and he's coming back to save us. But they don't understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy capitalistic men are gonna kill him again."

"The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and everyone's not true with themselves. All of these people who are heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives, if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide. They don't have the heart that I have. I've lived places they can't defecate in."

"I'm not Mother Teresa. But I'm also not Charles Manson!"

"Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It's like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can't control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you. If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer coming across the lawn."

"There's no one perfect. We're always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious -- but we're not criminally, at least I'm not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of my most of my money, can I at least get [oral sex] without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?"

"At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see."

"I'm the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I'm like that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn't know what to do. I'm from the ghetto. I don't know how to act. One day I'm in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know, 'You're the heavyweight champion of the world.' ... Who am I? What am I? I don't even know who I am. I'm just a dumb child. I'm being abused. I'm being robbed by lawyers. I think I have more money than I do. I'm just a dumb pugnacious fool. I'm just a fool who thinks I'm someone. And you tell me I should be responsible?"

"I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all."

"I'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime."

"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

"I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass."

"I just want to conquer people and their souls."

Signs exist for a reason. Read them.

2005-06-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

The other day I stepped inside this port-a-potty to relieve myself. After finishing I stepped back outside and was met face to face with a ravenous T-Rex. I barely managed to escape.

If there's anything you do in life...

2005-06-04T02:24:00.000-07:00

...please, at least once, overlook the crooked nose.

Bye Bye Bum

2005-05-27T02:47:00.000-07:00

Math Bar: Mathletes Welcome

2005-05-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was informed by Lindsay that Matmos makes near illicit use of silence in "Rat Relocation", a song of theirs which entails the setting free of a rat in middle class suburbia. Question: Do people paying for and expecting sound mind silence? Could they possibly harbor some sick twisted desire for it? I don't know. Do people like eating rat poison? Perhaps. See below.

Wordwheel Update Updated

2005-05-19T02:16:00.000-07:00

I can't escape this damn thing. More sentences below.

Haha! objective order is a game.
Remember liesurely lewdness is bad.
The old new pope lapsed into a coma.
A philosophy inspired by injustices of life.
Click the paved road to unchain stars.
All oval shaped faces do not laugh.
All black forewings are thick and thin.
Create truth and beauty at breakfast.
Create more than one revolution
Create popular flare up firms.
I described black forewings at breakfast.
I love dreary black days like a rose.
All yellow odor is bad
Absurd space calls for music.
Absurd drawing is bad.
There is truth and beauty opposite art.
Red white men crisscross China.
Remember objective order is a game.
In the fall too much of anything is a game.
A philosohpy picnic modifies a verb.
One player full of fighting spirit modifies a verb.

Two Teasers & One Full On Reveal

2005-05-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Little teaser campaign both Andy and I think is for British Columbia. Kind of cool. British Columbia is beautiful. I love Canadia.

Then we have the full on reveal campaign for Budweiser and Bay to Breakers. Ummm, yeah.

Wordwheel Fun

2005-05-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

Made a word wheel this morning. Pretty rough execution as of yet, definitely a work in progress. Basically you move the three 'wheels' around and if you're lucky sentences form on their own. Here's a few favorites I've formed using the wheel so far:

The old rapper said he's 12,000 years ahead.
The old rapper said he's sorry for living.
Nice leaders of the past fixed factories.
In the fall oval shaped faces flutter forth.
In the fall oval shaped faces crisscross China.
Valued subscribers are thick and thin.
I described your eyes as a sign of strength.
Red rates @ a fifty year low.
Energy is consorting with firebrands.
Energy gives birth to work.
There is life absent of able mouths.
Midnite means making fun of Marxism.
Boil or at least severly limit assistants.
Begin mining at the epicenter of madness.
In the fall intertia fell quiet.
They are popular like a rose.
Create destruction strategy.
All white men do not laugh.

Equality

2005-05-11T23:18:00.000-07:00