I've been thinking...

I want to change the name of my Adam's Apple to Nick's Satsuma.


When I run a long distance race, I don't run for time. I run for cheeseburgers.


The one thing most know-it-alls don’t know is when to shut the hell up.


If you ever feel like not getting laid, wait until an attractive woman asks, “What do you do?”
Then say, “It’s classified. I could tell you but then I’d have to sleep with you and kill you.”


They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But if you're an old dog, and you can
still lick your own genitals, what other tricks do you really need to learn?


I wonder if the man on the moon ever gazes longingly down at the Earth and thinks,
mmmmmm, that looks like a really good lollipop.


The other day, I saw a convenience store called Easy Mart. What a great opportunity,
I thought. I should open up a convenience store called Easier Mart. This will be the
perfect platform upon which to launch my next venture: a super market called Super Easy.


The wind is a horny element. It's always whistling at people, or blowing them.


If I were Kim Jong-il, I'd sign the nuclear non-proliferation treaty with disappearing ink.


I bet there’s an entomologist out there with a foot fetish that fucking LOVES centipedes.


Technology is a drug. And we're all just a bunch of users.


You've got to hand it to gangsters. Because if you don't, they'll shoot your ass.


You should never hit a man with glasses. Stab him, shoot him or light him on fire. But absolutely no hitting.