I've been thinking...

The other day, I saw a convenience store called Easy Mart. What a great opportunity,
I thought. I should open up a convenience store called Easier Mart. This will be the
perfect platform upon which to launch my next venture: a super market called Super Easy.

The wind is a horny element. It's always whistling at people, or blowing them.


If I were Kim Jong-il, I'd sign the nuclear non-proliferation treaty with disappearing ink.


I bet there’s an entomologist out there with a foot fetish that fucking LOVES centipedes.


Technology is a drug. And we're all just a bunch of users.


You've got to hand it to gangsters. Because if you don't, they'll shoot your ass.


You should never hit a man with glasses. Stab him, shoot him or light him on fire. But absolutely no hitting.

Snap Happy

Proof that humans descended from primates:

Opposable thumbs
Monkey bars
Banana bread

Shad

This freestyle is certified fresh.

Chipotle Vids

Chipotle Attitude Adjuster from Eddie Ringer on Vimeo.

Miracle Burrito from Eddie Ringer on Vimeo.

Actual rules and guidelines found in my company’s Employee Handbook
as outlined by the Human Resources Department.

Never attempt to fight a fire alone.

If an object has fallen on someone, move it.

If you receive a bomb threat by mail,
try not to handle the package unnecessarily.

Unfortunately, we live in a complicated and litigious society.

It is not possible to list all the forms of behavior
that are considered unacceptable.

Do not use two-way radios, cell phones or other electronic devices,
as they can accidentally activate a detonator.

No barking.

Office relationships can be messy.

It is our belief that the use of common sense
can govern most situations.

Please follow these guidelines; otherwise we will lose the grill.

Couple Bangers

"2 It" - New Jack Hustle (Shawn Jackson & Newman) from Shawn Jackson on Vimeo.

The 100% Perfect Gift

The 100% Perfect Gift
is like a snowflake, landing in your lap:
undeniable, original, pure.

It is unexpected and effortless,
like eating an entire carton of ice cream
by yourself.

It is the graciousness
of the gift-giver
manifested.

You may not recognize its perfection.
You may give it a 91.6%.
Or a 53.3%, even.

Or you may think to yourself, What the…
as you pull from the unwrapped box
a gigantic pink dildo.

“Grandma, you shouldn't have!"
You’ll say with a smile, incredulous.
"Now can you please pass the eggnog?"

Gifts, you see, are like life:
They are not always 100% perfect.
But don’t forget:

It’s always the thought that counts.
And The 100% Perfect Thought
always counts more.